


la fille sans larmes

by onelastride



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Songfic, That's really it, pure angst, tagging isnt my thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29417157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onelastride/pseuds/onelastride
Summary: JJ’s gaze never faltered for a moment, but it was clear that her mind was still racing. Trying to put the words together but failing miserably at doing so. Emily took a sip from her cup with a raised brow, “you’re going to worry me if you don’t say something soon, Jareau.”
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. right where you left me

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy, chapter two should be up promptly.
> 
> inspired by right where you left me - taylor swift

_at the restaurant, when i was still the one you want  
cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right  
i could feel the mascara run  
you told me that you met someone_

Today was the day. She sat in her car, parked out in front of where Jennifer Jareau and William LaMontagne Jr. would finalize their relationship for all to see. Under any other circumstance, this would be cause for celebration. After all, love is such a sacred and wonderful thing that should be celebrated. Out of her side mirrors Emily could see her friends as they made their way inside, but the brunette stayed in place. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tight enough that it turned her knuckles white, her nonexistent focus was staring straight ahead of her as she thought about the conversation she’d had with the blonde months prior.

///

Emily sat in the diner where her and Jennifer would meet before slipping away for the night to do who knows what. They were regulars there, the waitresses familiar enough with them that they no longer needed to place an order, showing up was enough to suffice and eventually their usual order would appear before them. She was tucked away in their usual corner, one that gave the brunette a good visual of the front door while still being able to maintain a private conversation. 

She held her mug of coffee just under her chin with her elbows resting on the table, with the other cup placed in front of her. The strong scent of coffee was overwhelming at times, but it somehow grounded her. She looked down at her watch, JJ was only a few minutes behind, this didn’t worry her. She knew that with Henry she couldn’t expect the blonde to always be punctual, that, and Emily was habitually early to where ever she needed to be. Bringing the mug up to her lips, she relished the taste of diner coffee when the door flew open and the signature chime brought her back to reality.

It was the blonde, and just by the look on her face she knew that their topic conversation today wasn’t going to be a pleasant one. The older woman immediately furrowed her brow and set her mug down on the make-shift coaster she’d created with one of the napkins, folding her hands on the table. JJ set her purse down and sat across from the brunette, her mind deep in thought as she stared straight through the brunette. 

Emily just observed in silence for a minute. Worry lines etched themselves across Jennifer’s face, she was twisting a strand of golden hair around her finger in what seemed like a failed attempt at self-soothing. The brunette reached out and grabbed the younger woman’s hand, bringing her straight back to the Earth. JJ looked into umber eyes, really and truly _looked_ into Emily’s eyes, and let out a breath that she had been holding for whoever knows how long.

“What is on your mind? You know you can tell me anything, Jayje,” Emily let go of her hand and reached over for her mug again. JJ’s gaze never faltered for a moment, but it was clear that her mind was still racing. Trying to put the words together but failing miserably at doing so. Emily took a sip from her cup with a raised brow, “you’re going to worry me if you don’t say something soon, Jareau.”

JJ laughed weakly, reaching over for her own cup of coffee and taking a sip out of it. _She’s stalling_ , Emily couldn’t help but think to herself. And when there was no more stalling to be had between the pair, they sat in silence just staring at each other. In that time, a waitress had brought over their plates of food and could obviously notice the thickness in the atmosphere just by the way her cheery demeanor faltered momentarily. The blonde seemed grateful the waitress to appear, it gave her another excuse to stall what she was going to say. All of this made the brunette anxious, and she picked lightly at her toast as she fixed her gaze past the blonde and to the door. 

Finally, the other woman broke the silence, “I met someone. No, that isn’t the right way to say it. You remember Will?” she shook her head, because _of course_ Emily know who Will was, he was the father of her child that the brunette loved dearly, “I’m going to marry him.” Emily stopped, set her toast down, and brought her focus back to the blonde, “marry him?” She echoed the words and couldn’t help as her mind reeled back to all those nights they spent together tangled in her sheets, JJ talking about how she could never see herself marrying Will even if he was the father of her beloved son. 

All of those nights spent together flying out of the window with one simple sentence.

Emily drew in a sharp breath letting out a chuckle as she shook her head, “of course,” was all she could manage. Her gaze fell down to her hands and she subconsciously raised her thumb to her mouth to start biting at the skin there, old habits do die hard. Tears were forming in her eyes, threatening to fall at any moment as she tried her best to swallow down her own shaky breaths. When she could manage it, she looked up into the electric blue eyes that had felt like home for so many years, “was I ever an option.” And, God, she sounded so small when those words came out. 

JJ’s demeanor faltered for a moment, “Henry loves you so much.”

“I wasn’t asking about Henry, I was asking about _you,_ ” she dropped her hand back down, grasping her mug with it instead just to keep her focused on the present. She watched as the younger woman’s brow furrowed, her mouth opened and closing a number of times as she tried to place the words.

Emily held her hand up to stop her, “I never was an option, was I?”

“Don’t say that, Em,” the blonde went to reach her hand out but the brunette sat back in the booth. When her back made contact with the leather she tipped her head back and brought a hand up to cover her face to protect the blonde from seeing the tears that had started to spill. She could hear a soft sob tear through the blonde as she sat across from her, but she couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with her. Instead, the pair sat in silence again only shrouded in the tears of now estranged lovers. 

It was unknown how much time had passed, long enough for their coffee to grow cold but not long enough for the waitress to come over and offer Emily their check. Though, given the current circumstances, she figured the waitress knew it would be better to stay away from the scene that was currently unfolding. When she felt that she had no more tears left to cry, she looked back at the blonde who’s face now was adorned with red splotches from crying, “could I have ever done anything different.”

Jennifer shook her head, more tears threatening to spill as she worried her lip, “I’m sorry Emily.” The brunette shrugged her shoulders in an attempting to feign that a dagger wasn’t just driven through her heart, “I just hope he treats you like you hold the world in the palm of your hands.” 

“He does,” she was quiet, “I think I should go.”

“I think so too.” With that, the blonde gathered her purse and handed the brunette enough cash to cover her own portion of her meal. Emily just watched everything happen in slow motion as the best years of her life got up and walked out of the restaurant, and she was unable to do a thing about it. She looked down at her watch to watch the seconds tick on by as everything in her life seemed to darken around the edges. It was a feeling she couldn’t quite place. Hollowness was too dark for her, but the feeling of being ‘okay’ was too light for the situation. Not that any of it mattered anymore.

Patrons came in and out, none of them paying any mind to the brunette who sat in the back corner booth trying to piece together herself and failing to do so.

///

A knock on her window caused her to jump. She instinctively reached for her hip, only to remember she wasn’t carrying, and then looked at who ever thought it’d be a good idea to sneak up on her. 

Hotch.

She held a finger up to signal that she needed a moment to get her clutch before stepping out of the car, a soft breeze immediately hitting her and waking her up slightly. Hotch nodded to her and ushered Jack on ahead and inside, he then brought his full attention back towards the brunette, “do you have everything packed?” Hotch was the only person who knew she accepted the job at Interpol and was moving to London, and if she were being honest the only reason he was aware was because someone was going to have to redelegate all of her work. “Yes sir, all I have left to do is collect Sergio and then head to the airport,” she leaned against the car. 

“I could take Sergio for you, if that’d make things simpler.”

Emily laughed, “I know you don’t like cats, but I appreciate the offer. I think he’ll be nice company while I’m overseas.”

“Do you think you’ll ever come back?”

“I’m not sure. I can’t keep running for forever, I eventually need to settle down somewhere,” she shot him a weak smile. He took a deep breath and then offered his arm to her, “shall we head in?” She took his arm and only managed to nod a simple ‘yes’, her words beginning to fail her. These were the moments where she realized she would miss her team, but deep down she knew that if she stayed she would never be able to find herself again. 

The wedding proceeded as expected, Emily sat in silence staring through every individual who approached her. She couldn’t recount a single conversation she had that entire night as she mentally willed herself to try and remain in the moment but ended up finding herself thinking back to when she could still call Jennifer her own. Eventually other people gathered that the brunette was not in much of a mood for small talk and they left her to stand idly by while sipping on champagne. 

It didn’t go unnoticed when her eyes met with JJ’s, they each gave each other a soft smile and the blonde crossed over towards the brunette. Her eyes shone brightly but they couldn’t hide the apprehension she felt as she made her way over. Emily stiffened slightly and forced a tight smile, JJ sighed and shook her head, “you don’t have to do that.” She reached out and took the older woman’s hand in her own, looking up into her eyes, “I do want to thank you for being here.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” the blonde turned when she heard a shriek of laughter come from her son as he seemed to be chasing Morgan around, “I should go rescue Morgan. I’ll see you tomorrow, Emily.”

Emily let go of her hand and worried her lip, “see you tomorrow, Jennifer.”


	2. betty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by betty - taylor swift

_the worst thing that i ever did  
was what i did to you_

It had been years since Jennifer had seen Emily. The last night the pair saw each other in person was on her wedding night, with promises of seeing each other in the morning at work. That was a flat out lie, but at the time the blonde was so blissfully unaware. Part of her wishes she could go back in time, undo everything and try again and do everything right. But she knew that all of that was unrealistic. She had children to account for and a husband who would always be there for her. 

When she found out that Emily Prentiss was back in the states, she could have fainted there on the spot. Mixed emotions wedged their way into her thoughts when she learned that information. She wanted to hate Emily for not telling her she was back, she really did. Yet she knew that was unfair to the brunette, given what she had done to her all those years prior. The phone went both ways and she knew that. She knew there were ways to get in contact with Emily once she landed in London, but JJ opted to not contact her. So far as much as she wanted to hate Emily, she knew that she couldn’t.

At work one day Garcia had let it slip in passing that many of their current and former coworkers had been meeting at Emily’s almost weekly just to catch up with each other. None of them ever gave the blonde an invite, but she knew she didn’t deserve one. However, when she learned about what day the next meetup would be happening she knew that she was going to make an appearance even if it were only temporary.

That brought her to where she was now. Standing at Emily Prentiss’ front door with her fist raised in hesitation. If she knocked now there would be no going back, and so she decided to bite the bullet. Her heart was racing and it was to the point where all she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears, so she wasn’t even sure if she’d knocked loud enough for someone to hear. 

She could hear laughter coming from inside the home and footsteps approaching the door. They weren’t Emily’s, after all when you spend many nights with someone you eventually learn the sound of their step. The door swung open and she was face to face with a stunned Penelope, and JJ flashed her signature smile, “surprise?”

Penelope looked back worriedly before pushing JJ further out onto the porch so she could shut the door behind her, “what are you doing here?” “I want to speak with Emily.” Penelope frowned, “do you think that’s a good idea?” 

JJ huffed, “I don’t care. Can you get her for me please? I have some unfinished business to tend to.” Penelope nodded and disappeared back into the house. The blonde waited for what felt like was an eternity, but according to her watch was only a minute. She could hear shuffling behind the door and a very confused Emily as she started, “why is it so urgent that I,” the door swung open and the brunette immediately stopped talking as she stood there frozen, trying to process everything. 

Penelope ushered Emily onto the porch and shut the door behind them, JJ shifted awkwardly and pointed to the stoop, “care to have a seat?” She watched as the brunette set herself down, bring one knee up so she could lock her fingers around it as she leaned against the railing. JJ settled down across from her, keeping her distance as she turned towards her, “you’re probably wondering why I’m here.”

Emily offered a soft smile, “understatement of the century. It’s good to see you, Jayje.” Jennifer couldn’t help but note that this was the first time in years that the brunette hadn’t called her ‘Jennifer’, and that thought brought the faintest of smiles to her lips, “how was London?” “So, you’re not going to tell me why you’re here,” she raised an eyebrow. JJ pursed her lips together, “if I’m being honest, I missed you.”

She half expected to get an eye roll in turn, but instead she got something that surprisingly hurt worse. Emily reached out and put a hand on the blonde’s knee and shrugged, “I missed you too, but sometimes that’s just the repercussions of our own choices,” she leaned back against the railing again and looked out onto the street, “London was good. But I found that it didn’t give me what I was looking for.” JJ shifted slightly so she could sit sideways on the steps, her foot inching closer to the brunette’s thigh, “what is it you were looking for?” 

“Stability,” a brief pause, “how’s Will? The kids?”

JJ lit up at the question, “they’re both great. Henry says he misses you; you’ll have to come see him sometime soon.” She watched Emily’s face as she spoke, it wasn’t hard to see the way hurt flashed across her eyes when JJ had mentioned Henry. Part of JJ wanted to point out that Emily was the one who asked the question, but she knew better than to do that. JJ had come here for closure, and she wasn’t going to get that if she challenged Emily on every little thing. 

When she hadn’t gotten a response from the brunette she decided to break the silence again, “do you hate me?”

That question clearly caught Emily off guard because JJ could see the wheels turning as she tried to formulate an answer for the blonde. JJ brought her hand back up to her hair and began twirling a piece around her fingers, chewing on the inside of her cheek. Emily took a sharp breath in and looked into JJ’s eyes, “I’d be lying if I said I did. I could never hate you for doing what makes you happy.” Relief washed over the blonde at that statement.

The last thing she ever wanted was for Emily to hate her, and given how they left things in that restaurant she honestly had expected her to say she did, “do you think things between us could have ever worked?” That question earned her yet another shrug from the older woman, “I think that would all have to depend on you. You know I would have made things work.” JJ nodded and opened her mouth to speak but the door flung open again and Penelope was rushing outside looking for Emily, “Don’t panic.”

Emily stood to her feet, “well when you start a sentence like that.”

Penelope shifted nervously in her feet, “Reid caught the food on fire,” she spoke so quickly that JJ almost missed it. “I’m sorry, what?” Penelope put her hands up, “we got it put out but you may want to go ahead and order a pizza because, uh, everything’s ruined?” Emily pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, “for a genius, he can be so dumb sometimes. Give me a moment and I’ll be back inside.”

The bubbly blonde disappeared inside and Emily held her hand out for JJ to take, which she accepted. “You can stay if you like?” “I would but I promised Will and the boys that we’d do family game night tonight.” Emily gave her a signature smile and nodded, “Of course. Let me walk you to your car then.” The walked over in silence before JJ unlocked the car and rocked back and forth on her feet, “I guess this is it then.”

Emily nodded and leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss onto the blonde’s cheek, “to fully answer your previous question. Maybe in another lifetime we were meant to be together, this one just isn’t it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading (:


End file.
